Dating Netiquette

One of the things that prevent some people from dipping their toes into the internet dating pond is the fear that they will date a completely psychotic nutcase and end up on News at Ten’s main story as a missing person, perhaps never to be found after a worldwide search or, possibly even worse, to spend their remaining days chained to a post in a dingy cellar being fed scraps and forced to perform disgusting and degrading sex acts.  And that's just the men.

Ok, that’s maybe a slight exaggeration, but certainly the “weirdo” factor is what holds a lot of people back.

However, with a little pre-selection and judgement, you can practically eliminate the risks of meeting a complete loon and the good news is that all you have to do is learn to identify the words used in profiles to cut through the descriptions to find out what someone is really like.

So, for your education and entertainment, please read the following for a crash course in internet dating selection techniques.

For Men – words and phrases used in female profiles and their true meaning - 

1) Aged 39 – Yeah, right.  See my blogpost Forever Young.  The chances of women getting internet dates over 40 diminish, so take this stated age as an approximation.  She may be 39… or she may also be 49.

2) Homely – Boring and frumpy.  This lady will like nothing more than watching soaps, cooking, knitting and baking things like cake and apple pie.  Chances are she’s the size of a small shed.

3) Curvy – Fat. Simple as.

4) Voluptuous – Not only fat but also dresses like a teenager in crop tops and miniskirts.  Some can, some can’t and boy, she can’t.

5) Cuddly – Totally obese.  She probably has her own postcode.

6) Bubbly – Annoying and probably fat as well.  Never knows when to be quiet, talks at inappropriately high volumes and has a frequency to her voice that can splinter steel.

7) Party girl – If she admits this then the chances are she is a clubaholic and will spend the weekends lurching between wine, vodka, the club, the pub, the toilet, a bucket and paracetamol.

8) Likes the finer things in life – This lady is used to champagne, fine dining, designer shoes, Caribbean holidays and you will be paying for it.  Best have a large wallet and/or a private income.

9) Athletic – Flat chested tomboy.

10) Fiery – Unless you want to have saucepans thrown at you, your clothes cut into shreds and continual shouting matches, don’t upset her.  In fact, probably best avoid.

11) Wonderful personality – Probably as ugly as they come.  Will make Bella Emberg look like Miss World.

12) Loyal – She will never let you out of her sight and will continuously be texting, calling or emailing either to find out where you are or make sure you are where you say you are.

13) Animal lover – Animal rights activist who’s idea of having a few pets means her house is a menagerie.  You can be dying in the gutter but when you fall, just be careful of that Chihuahua.

14) Artistic – Weird.  Her house will be totally abstract and off the wall, the unwashed plates and glasses will (according to her) enhance the shabby chic look and she will offer you things like "The Biscuit of Torment" with your tea.

15) Honest - She has Tourettes.  Don’t be easily offended.

So now, in the interest of equality, let’s do one for the Women – here are the words and phrases used by Men in their profiles for you to re-interpret.

1) Athletic – Watches Match of the Day, Golf, Rugby, Cricket, Athletics… and plays darts down the pub whilst drinking beer.

2) Handsome – What era is this bloke from and who told him?  Greta Garbo?  He’s probably a cad and a bounder to boot.

3) Attractive – Says who?  Everyone online says they are attractive and it means they basically have no visible facial deformity.

4) Fairly attractive – Beware.  He may have some facial deformity.

5) Told attractive – by his Mum.  Who he still lives with. Probably.

6) The best picture I could find – It’s old, he won’t look anything like that now and he’s getting the excuses in early.

7) Height, 5’ 10” - This means he is no taller than 5’ 7” and more likely 5’ 5”.  Otherwise he would put 6’ minimum (blokes lie about their height in the same way women lie about their age – unless of course they really are over 6’).

8) Manly – A tattooed, hairy Neanderthal who will shed body hair all over the carpet and furnishings and will love bottles, either as drinking vessels or weapons.

9) Willing to travel – He lives either on a friends sofa, with his Mum or his one bedroom flat/bedsit is such a hovel you would run a mile if you saw it.

10) Six figure income – Maybe, but in what currency and where is the decimal point?

11) Likes trying new things – Pervert.  

12) Adventurous – Kinky and makes perverted look acceptable.  For him, bondage and a ménage a trois will be a bit dull.

13) Traditional – Otherwise known as a chauvinist pig. You’d best be ready for a lifestyle akin to a woman in the 1950’s and woe betide you if his dinner isn't on the table at 7 pm with his shirts not ironed.  Oh, and forget about getting a job.

14) Entrepreneur – An ideas guy with zero talent for actually doing stuff and who lives day to day by somehow wringing money out of people so he can supposedly fund his next big plan that will make him a millionaire. 

15) Romantic – A smarmy slime-ball that will give you cheap flowers and call you “Babe” or “Princess” because he’s having trouble remembering your name.

There you go - I hope that helps.  Enjoy and learn.

Next time, there will be more dating stories for you.

Lucky Escape, part 1

Leaving my marriage was the hardest decision of my life. Most blokes who leave their families usually do so for one of two reasons;

1)  They have a girlfriend to go to, or

2)  They have been kicked out.

Neither applied to me.  I left because I could see that, once the kids had left home, I would have probably been a candidate for category 2 as I would have outlived my purpose and then I would be in my mid 50's and faced with the prospect of starting again.  I grew up an only child and didn't want to spend my retirement alone, so, once it became clear that the relationship had ended, I set about finding a new partner.

The thing is, as a middle aged bloke, where do you go to meet someone?  Clubs were never my thing when I was younger and singles bars might work for some but the prospect of them made me absolutely cringe.

I therefore had no trouble at all in embracing the idea of online dating.  All forms of life are on there and some of the earlier blogposts have recounted some fun and interesting times on dates that I had.

But what about the people I didn't get to date?  The ones who showed early promise and then something happened that made one of us change our minds and just not go any further?

One such example was Wendy.  I've changed the name, obviously, but for all I know that may have been her real name as she had one on her email address and one on her dating profile, that I assumed was a pseudonym.  She was apparently from a rather desirable part of the county and apparently had two grown up kids in their 20's.  She also apparently had a large estate in the USA, her husband apparently having been killed whilst in military service and she had apparently received several million dollars in compensation from the US Govt.  I keep using apparently, because she was also apparently a barrister.

Having had several conversations with her on the phone, we hadn't met but I had already had an offer to go and move into her 8 bedroomed place if my finances got a bit tight.  She also stressed to me the importance of due diligence when on the websites, making sure I fully researched all potential suitors in order to minimise the chances of discovering any nasty surprises later on.

So, in her case, I did, only to discover that neither of her used names were on the list of barristers in the Barristers Directory.  As I work in the legal profession and know several barristers myself, I was keen to see if we had any common contacts.  For some reason, she was extremely reluctant to discuss any sort of work issue, such as what Chambers she was in, other barristers she knew... any attempt to discuss it was simply brushed aside.

This made me a little suspicious, so I checked with the Bar Council and every conceivable list of UK Barristers and neither of her used names appeared anywhere.  In fact, no female name was anything like either of the ones she had used.

During our next conversation, I again broached the subject and she again evaded the question so I just asked, "Why will you not tell me where you work?"

"Why do you want to know?" she replied.

"Because we both work in the same profession and apart from the fact that we may even know the same people, when getting to know someone isn't it usual to share this type of information? Plus, I've done what you suggested and you don't appear on the Bar Council register. Previous experience has made me cautious, as you know."

Well, that was that.  She absolutely hit the roof.  She was screaming at me down the phone, saying things like why on earth would I think that she would use her real name to someone like me, that she'd shown incredible kindness and compassion (irony alert) by offering lodgings and how dare I question her?  I then received a text message saying that she knew lots of different types of people, some of whom would be coming to see me to rearrange my features, including some graphic descriptions of what they would do with a table leg and what appendages would be sliced off and stuck in my mouth. How kind and compassionate that was.  She must had graduated with Honours from charm school.

The woman was almost certainly a fantasist, most definitely a psychopath and it just confirms that all life forms are out there with most of them appearing on dating websites. Therefore, in an effort to retain my (ahem) good looks and appendages, I decided to make no further contact with her to try and get her to change her mind.

Mission accomplished and I remained in one piece, ready for the next exciting adventure...