Faking it

One of the most famous movie scenes in the world is the bit in “When Harry Met Sally” where Meg Ryan fakes an orgasm in a full restaurant, much to Billy Crystal’s embarrassment.  As men, I guess when the subject of faking it is brought up we all think that’s something that happens to others and not to us (cue lots of women thinking “Yeah, right!”).  Staying with the movie theme, it was in the Steve Martin comedy “All of Me” where Madolyn Smith says to Martin, “By the way, I never liked your dog, I think jazz is stupid, and I faked all those orgasms”, to which his response is something like “Yeah... well… so did I!”

This is where women have a distinct advantage over men.  The fairer sex just don’t get made to feel really inadequate in that way.  And it really does make a man feel useless.  Or so I’m told, you understand… I mean, I’m not really aware of it ever being a problem for me (again, cue lots of women thinking “Yeah, right!”).

But I can inform you, dear reader, that this apparent preserve of the female population has been breached, not once, not twice, but thrice.  Yes, there was one woman I met from the dating sites and went out with a few times that I ended up faking it with.  Three times.

Now before you ask, yes it is possible in the same way that women make it possible (i.e. make all the right noises and actions) and provided that the man is using protection then no physical evidence exists, if you get my drift.  But what sort of admission is that to make, for God’s sake?  I mean, there I was, between relationships, single, loving it and also discovering that middle aged women are even more predatory than middle aged men when I find someone that has passed the “First night in a restaurant” test and I’m ready to go in for more.  The second date goes equally well and anyone who has dated in middle age will know full well what generally happens on date three.

So there we are having completed the pre-match warm up and we're in the throes of passion for what seems like an age.  40 minutes, 50 minutes, getting on for an hour… we'd worked through what seemed like most of the Kama Sutra, cramp was beginning to set in and then... I got bored.

Yep.  Bored.  How bad is that?  First time in the sack with this woman and I’m thinking “I’m getting fed up with this now, I wonder what’s on the box?”

That was a bit of a wake up call for me actually.  I wouldn’t have thought it would have been possible, but there it was. Boredom.

So I did what countless women have done countless times… and faked it.

I felt really bad afterwards actually, especially as she seemed quite happy about the whole thing.  I wondered if it was just that evening, maybe it was a bit too hot, maybe I just wasn’t in the mood… so we saw each other twice more and genuinely had lovely evenings full of lively conversation with flirting all over the place.  Both evenings finished with the inevitable bedroom action and the not quite so inevitable result of me getting bored.  Again.

I couldn’t carry on like that.  I mean, if it’s not great at that stage it doesn’t bode well for the future does it?  Anyway, I didn’t want to fake the entire relationship. So that was that.  Goodnight Vienna.

It also made me think a bit, "What's the point?"  After all, humans are the only species that partake in sexual activity purely for pleasure and with a generally concerted emphasis on NOT getting the female pregnant.  Other animals approach the whole thing more functionally and in some species the male is seen as a Stud and worth a fortune.  Humans who do the same are looked on somewhat differently, although we do have sperm banks I suppose.  With every current daily newspaper seeming to bring us new emerging or developing banking crises, that seems just about the safest bank of the lot at the moment.  I suppose you might say in this instance I made a premature withdrawal.

To this day I have absolutely no idea why that took place at that particular time with that particular woman.  Maybe it was an instinctive biological early warning system; something my body was doing to let me know that this relationship was not to be continued.

But I can now say that I have experienced part of the female viewpoint of that particular activity, and I had no desire to let the lady concerned know in case she experienced the male side; that feeling of inadequacy.

Just like no-one has ever let me know. Yeah, right.