Tales of the Unexpected - Part 1 of 3

Ah, the power of the internet.  It can take your ego sky high or send it crashing through the floor.

When first on the dating sites, you’re the “new kid on the block” and the site veterans are all over you like a rash.  You feel wanted and anyone whose self-esteem is low will receive an almighty boost.  However, after a few weeks (unless of course you have already met the partner of your dreams) then you become a veteran yourself and interest in you naturally wanes.

It's therefore refreshing when occasionally, just occasionally, you come across a newbie.  Should I rephrase that...  oh, I'm sure you know what I mean.  Anyway, this blogpost is the first of a three parter that will hopefully take you through the whole roller coaster of emotions that the internet can provide, just as it did for me in the summer of 2008.

It started one Sunday evening.  There I was, having just registered on a new dating website, flicking through my selected females (basically any woman with a pulse and her own teeth) when I saw someone I liked the look of who was also available to chat.  My success rate at chatting in real time with prospective dates online wasn’t exactly great.  This was because the prospective date in question usually closed the chat window as soon as they saw my profile picture (apparently unflattering – see blogpost “The day I went to France and it was closed”) leaving me high, dry and talking to no-one.

But wait - shock, horror – this particular one (Charlotte) responded positively to my “Hi, wanna chat?” message.  That was that.  The rest of the night was spent in an online conversation that got flirtier and flirtier until we exchanged phone numbers.  The hour long conversation that followed just cranked up the heat.  We were getting on like a house on fire.

During the next few days things got even hotter.  When she discovered that I had the following weekend completely free, she suggested meeting up on the Friday night because if we hit it off we would have the whole weekend to enjoy.  If that wasn't a come-on then I didn't know what was! She lived about 20 miles away but luckily, I had a previously arranged appointment to visit an elderly lady client of mine in the next town to hers on that Friday afternoon, so it made perfect sense to meet her straight afterwards.  We agreed that I would call her when my work was done and we would then decide where to meet.

Roll on Friday, I couldn't wait! When I got to my client, I apologised for being informally dressed but explained I was going out on a date afterwards.

“Oh, that’s good,” my client said, “is she nice?”

“Well, I don’t really know”, I replied, “It’s our first date.  We've only chatted on the internet and phone but she seems nice so far.”

“Oh well, good luck. If she doesn’t turn up, I’ll go out with you.” she said.

Ah, bless.  A senior lady with short term memory recall problems, possibly early onset dementia and a zimmer frame flirting with a man almost 30 years her junior. The Harry Enfield sketch featuring the two randy old ladies leaping on their prey shouting “Ooh! Young Man!” came to mind.  Obviously it wasn't going to happen but I humoured her (she was my client after all) and we got down to the proper work and reason for me going to see her which included me preparing her Will and then taking her to the local hospital to get it witnessed by her psychiatric nurse and assistant.

On the way back, she re-iterated her offer should my date not materialise.  I smiled, nodded and shrugged it off before dropping her back at her flat.  It was now about 6pm and I was nearly bursting with excitement.  This, I was sure, would be one hot and steamy weekend coming up (it was July after all - what did you think I meant?) and I couldn't wait to meet Charlotte. Were the pictures she sent me a true likeness, or taken 10 years ago?  She looked pretty good, I have to say... a raven haired beauty with a curvaceous, hourglass figure.

I raced to a local pub, where I made my way to the beer garden, having first ordered a diet coke. Once settled and still bristling with anticipation, I looked at my watch.  Hmmm. 6:20.  Was it too early?  I "Umm-ed and Aah-ed" for a moment before calling her. I could feel my heart racing as her phone rang... and rang... and rang... and rang.  Then a voicemail message.  Ok, maybe it was too early.  I left a message letting her know I was ready and asked for a call back.  I texted her as well and then turned my chair toward the sun and soaked up some warm rays on my face.  

Time ticked on towards 6:30 and as I’d heard nothing I tried texting and calling again, but got the same result.   6:30 became 6:45, then 7, 7:15, 7:30 and I still hadn't heard from her. Nothing said in the previous few days had indicated anything other than a desire to meet up, so this was puzzling. I had previously mentioned that 7:30 would be the absolute latest that I would be available, so I called and texted yet again, but with no more success than before.

When it got to nearly 8:00 I had to accept the inevitable.  For the first time in my life, I had been stood up.

Rather annoyed (understatement of the year) I drove back to my flat and logged onto the computer to discover she was actually online on the dating site!  I angrily sent her a short 4 letter instant message – “Well?” – and got some waffle about how her friend was sobbing on the carpet in front of her having just lost her Mum so she couldn’t cope with this tonight as it reminded her of when she lost her Mum, yada, yada, yada.  Under normal circumstances, I would probably have been sympathetic, but as this excuse didn't mention losing the use of either her tongue or her fingers it failed to explain why she had been a) unable to leave a voice-mail or send a text advising me of this or b) why she was able to be active on the dating site despite this unexpected mental trauma.  That was that for me and I therefore told her her fortune before signing off and blocking her completely.

Determined to not be alone on my responsibility free weekend and craving female company, I walked across to the local pub, but sadly the only people there were either elderly couples or single men. As I wasn't quite that desperate yet, I came back home with a vow to not let the rest of the weekend go without some sort of female company.

And that was just the beginning.