One of the things that prevent some people from dipping their toes into the internet dating pond is the fear that they will date a completely psychotic nutcase and end up on News at Ten’s main story as a missing person, perhaps never to be found after a worldwide search or, possibly even worse, to spend their remaining days chained to a post in a dingy cellar being fed scraps and forced to perform disgusting and degrading sex acts. And that's just the men.
Ok, that’s maybe a slight exaggeration, but certainly the “weirdo” factor is what holds a lot of people back.
However, with a little pre-selection and judgement, you can practically eliminate the risks of meeting a complete loon and the good news is that all you have to do is learn to identify the words used in profiles to cut through the descriptions to find out what someone is really like.
So, for your education and entertainment, please read the following for a crash course in internet dating selection techniques.
For Men – words and phrases used in female profiles and their true meaning -
1) Aged 39 – Yeah, right. See my blogpost Forever Young. The chances of women getting internet dates over 40 diminish, so take this stated age as an approximation. She may be 39… or she may also be 49.
2) Homely – Boring and frumpy. This lady will like nothing more than watching soaps, cooking, knitting and baking things like cake and apple pie. Chances are she’s the size of a small shed.
3) Curvy – Fat. Simple as.
4) Voluptuous – Not only fat but also dresses like a teenager in crop tops and miniskirts. Some can, some can’t and boy, she can’t.
5) Cuddly – Totally obese. She probably has her own postcode.
6) Bubbly – Annoying and probably fat as well. Never knows when to be quiet, talks at inappropriately high volumes and has a frequency to her voice that can splinter steel.
7) Party girl – If she admits this then the chances are she is a clubaholic and will spend the weekends lurching between wine, vodka, the club, the pub, the toilet, a bucket and paracetamol.
8) Likes the finer things in life – This lady is used to champagne, fine dining, designer shoes, Caribbean holidays and you will be paying for it. Best have a large wallet and/or a private income.
9) Athletic – Flat chested tomboy.
10) Fiery – Unless you want to have saucepans thrown at you, your clothes cut into shreds and continual shouting matches, don’t upset her. In fact, probably best avoid.
11) Wonderful personality – Probably as ugly as they come. Will make Bella Emberg look like Miss World.
12) Loyal – She will never let you out of her sight and will continuously be texting, calling or emailing either to find out where you are or make sure you are where you say you are.
13) Animal lover – Animal rights activist who’s idea of having a few pets means her house is a menagerie. You can be dying in the gutter but when you fall, just be careful of that Chihuahua.
14) Artistic – Weird. Her house will be totally abstract and off the wall, the unwashed plates and glasses will (according to her) enhance the shabby chic look and she will offer you things like "The Biscuit of Torment" with your tea.
15) Honest - She has Tourettes. Don’t be easily offended.
So now, in the interest of equality, let’s do one for the Women – here are the words and phrases used by Men in their profiles for you to re-interpret.
1) Athletic – Watches Match of the Day, Golf, Rugby, Cricket, Athletics… and plays darts down the pub whilst drinking beer.
2) Handsome – What era is this bloke from and who told him? Greta Garbo? He’s probably a cad and a bounder to boot.
3) Attractive – Says who? Everyone online says they are attractive and it means they basically have no visible facial deformity.
4) Fairly attractive – Beware. He may have some facial deformity.
5) Told attractive – by his Mum. Who he still lives with. Probably.
6) The best picture I could find – It’s old, he won’t look anything like that now and he’s getting the excuses in early.
7) Height, 5’ 10” - This means he is no taller than 5’ 7” and more likely 5’ 5”. Otherwise he would put 6’ minimum (blokes lie about their height in the same way women lie about their age – unless of course they really are over 6’).
8) Manly – A tattooed, hairy Neanderthal who will shed body hair all over the carpet and furnishings and will love bottles, either as drinking vessels or weapons.
9) Willing to travel – He lives either on a friends sofa, with his Mum or his one bedroom flat/bedsit is such a hovel you would run a mile if you saw it.
10) Six figure income – Maybe, but in what currency and where is the decimal point?
11) Likes trying new things – Pervert.
12) Adventurous РKinky and makes perverted look acceptable. For him, bondage and a m̩nage a trois will be a bit dull.
13) Traditional – Otherwise known as a chauvinist pig. You’d best be ready for a lifestyle akin to a woman in the 1950’s and woe betide you if his dinner isn't on the table at 7 pm with his shirts not ironed. Oh, and forget about getting a job.
14) Entrepreneur – An ideas guy with zero talent for actually doing stuff and who lives day to day by somehow wringing money out of people so he can supposedly fund his next big plan that will make him a millionaire.
15) Romantic – A smarmy slime-ball that will give you cheap flowers and call you “Babe” or “Princess” because he’s having trouble remembering your name.
There you go - I hope that helps. Enjoy and learn.
Next time, there will be more dating stories for you.
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