A toe in the water

When you’ve been in a long term relationship (in my case, a 20-odd year marriage), you not only get set in the ways with your partner but, if you then find yourself “on the market” again, you’re out of practice at dating.

I was 46 when the marriage broke down but didn’t discover internet dating until about six months later.  The realisation for me was that places to go and meet people for someone my age were limited.  A few people had told me about internet dating but I had shied away from it.  However, one day an email promised me a trial period on the largest UK Dating site for a month for just £1 so I decided to dip my toe in the water… just to see, you understand… I was sure nothing would come of it.

The registration process was a bit of an eye opener.   I had to write a profile and submit a picture with almost as many specific requirements as needed for a passport!  The first picture was initially rejected as apparently it didn’t meet their criteria (maybe I shouldn’t have sent that one with the donkey) and I had to find a more suitable one before I could be in the shop window.  This could take up to 48 hours, or so I was informed.  48 hours?  But I wanted to meet and chat to people then, that very evening!  My trial was only for a month!

Anyway, I started nosing around the site, trying to familiarise myself with it. I could look at profiles but couldn’t send messages or winks.

Winks?  That’s clever, I thought, does it work via a webcam or something?  Well, no.  A “wink”, I discovered, was just a come on really.  Some people like what they see but maybe don’t feel confident enough to make the first move, so send a wink instead.  It’s normally a signal to say “I’m interested.  Get in touch and I’ll respond.”  It’s an automated thing, so you can just click on a button and the site sends the wink.  That was also a relief as for a brief moment I was terrified of offending someone if I misspelt it, but clearly I had no need to worry.

Once I had been approved,  I went through the profiles of people that fitted the criteria I had selected (there are search filters so you can look by age, location, hobbies, etc.) but having fairly quickly established that there were no football loving nymphomaniacs under 30 who were looking for a chap pushing 50, I had to refine my search.  Hmmm.  This wasn’t going to be easy.  I decided that I would have to widen the net considerably and therefore trawled for female non-smokers living within 50 miles that possessed a pulse.

Quite quickly, “Hadleighgirl2 has winked at you” or “Sarahlou has viewed your profile” type messages started to come through.  That’s more like it!  I knew if I threw the net out to the 68,469 people online, there would be at least 2 or 3 that would take the bait!

Having been brought up very traditionally, I decided that I would adopt a very gentlemanly stance and devised my own rules for first dates.  These were -

1)      I would go to wherever my date was (50 miles isn’t too far),

2)      I would do what they wanted to do and

3)      I would pay.

My reasons for laying down these rules were simple; whilst I don’t mind emailing, I prefer to actually meet someone in order to get to know them.  Therefore, as we were on dating sites and not in chat rooms, going on dates sooner rather than later seemed logical and natural.  However, by me incurring all the expense, then if nothing developed from it then I hadn’t taken anything from them at all and they couldn’t say they’d been forced into doing something or going somewhere they maybe couldn’t afford. 

So - my first internet date.  I had been emailing several people and one, Alexandra, had agreed to meet up.  She was shown as being 30 miles away which was technically correct – as the crow flies – but the journey to get there was nearly 70 miles due to a long drive along the river and then over the bridge.  Never mind, I was looking forward to this.  She was three years older than me, looked very nice in her profile and the butterflies and sense of anticipation I had made me feel like a teenager again.

We decided to meet somewhere.  In my head I had visions of “Brief Encounter” and a rendezvous under the clock at Waterloo station.  That obviously wasn’t going to happen as she didn’t live anywhere near Waterloo, but I wasn’t quite expecting “Next to the sign showing the opening times at Morrisons.”

When I arrived – bang on time – I saw her, dressed in a scarlet fluffy jacket, black leather pencil skirt and fishnets with 5” heels. This made me wonder exactly what sort of people frequented this type of site and whether I actually had enough money on me… but I needn’t have worried.  This lady had been single since her children were babies and as they were at University this was now her time.  I was her first date too and the only time she had enjoyed solo male company for over 20 years!  Her children had apparently dressed her as her own clothes were “far too dull and drab” but I didn’t really like to comment that she looked more like a Hooker than someone trying to impress! 

We headed off to the main shopping area and found a French Bistro to have a meal.  Starting a conversation with someone you don’t know and have little in common with whilst you are both clearly seeing whether or not there is anything to base a relationship on isn’t an easy task!  There is also that slightly awkward thought of where it could lead and it’s almost impossible to avoid visualising your date naked. Neither of us had any prior dating experiences or stories to share (that proved to be a good icebreaker for all future dates) but we got on well enough to start.  After about half an hour she got “the call”, which the majority of women get on a first date.  It’s basically a phone call from a family member or friend about half an hour in to ensure that all is well and the date isn’t a mad axe murderer.  As the evening progressed however, conversation unfortunately became more difficult with several awkward silences, and there are only so many times you can praise the food!

My own nervousness and apprehension didn’t help and it became clear that, even though the age gap was only three years, our outlook on life generally was miles apart and it was like talking to my Mother on occasion.

At the end of the evening I delivered her safely back home at 11:30 with nothing more than a mutual wish of good luck for the future, so I guess she must have also felt similar.

I suppose it had been a little underwhelming as a first date, but I was not to be deterred!  Back on the site, trawling for more potential catches and I was sure that the next few months would see a whole lot of fun mixed in with the odd disaster.  

I wasn’t wrong.