Something for the weekend, sir?

All of us lads have been there I guess. Late teens, on a promise, straight into the chemist with the intention of purchasing a packet of 3, only to bottle it when confronted by the assistant who reminds you of either your Mother or your girlfriend. God, the amount of throat pastilles I got through as a teenager was unbelievable...

Anyway, something almost equally embarrassing happened to me several years ago, but it’s certainly worthy of a blog entry to give you a laugh.  I know it's a departure from the promise of dating experiences etc. since my marriage broke down,  but in my mind it's funny enough to include here, so here goes.

It was back when I was married and the ex-wife was about 6 months pregnant, which dates the story at early 1999.  Are you sitting comfortably?  Then I'll begin.

Everyone snores, don't they? Well, most do, and some louder than others. I was lucky enough to have escaped the flu bug doing the rounds at that time, but I did get quite congested, and had trouble breathing at night. Consequently the result, especially after a couple of relaxing beers, was a cross between an underground train and a Howitzer Artillery gun (or so I'm told, because as everyone knows, you can’t hear yourself snore. At all.) This woke my wife, bless her, who tolerated it for a few minutes before lashing out with fists, feet or anything handy in an attempt to shut me up. This (eventually) woke me up (I slept so deeply it was like being under a General Anaesthetic) and the end result was that neither of us got much sleep, so we were shattered the following day. The cumulative effect was devastating and after a week or so usually ended with me sleeping on the couch so that she could get some sleep ready for the whole process to start again.

As a caring hubby and a "new man" and all that, I decided to pay a visit to my local chemist on the way home from work. The intention was to see if they had any of these anti-snoring herbal type remedies; they've got to work for someone, surely.  In my ex-wife's best interests, I would also get her a pair of ear plugs, just to see if they blocked out the racket enough so that she could sleep through it.

All the assistants were busy, so I started scouring the shelves. There were no herbal remedies for anything on view; perhaps they were behind the counter. Never mind, look for the earplugs. Toothpaste, mouthwash, nappies, plasters, they must be here somewhere...

"Can I help you, sir?"

I looked around, and there was the assistant who reminded you of your Mum. I was just about to explain the situation when just behind her, waiting for a prescription, I saw a very good client of my firm. Oh my God, how embarrassing!  I now had to publicly admit in front of one of my wealthiest and best clients that my snoring is so loud that it wakes my wife and drives me to purchase earplugs and herbal snoring remedies. What would this client think? (With hindsight, probably nothing, but that thought didn't even enter my head at the time.)

"Er... yes... earplugs please."

The assistant acknowledged the request, raised one finger skywards, adopted this "you-won't-find-them-out-there" posture and headed off behind the counter. I smiled sweetly and meanwhile made polite conversation with my client, who asked was I well, were we busy, how was my wife coping with her pregnancy? Fine on all three counts, thanks...

"Are they for you, sir?"

"No, they're for my wife"

"What for, may I ask?"

Horror number two. The one who would have reminded you of your girlfriend appeared out of a room at the back. Except that she was actually my wife's best friend's daughter. She smiled and acknowledged my presence and looked at me in that "Have-you-come-in-for-anything-juicy?" type way. I now had the complete and undivided attention of both assistants and the other customer, all looking at me as if to say, "Well?"

"Er... flying. Yes, that's it, she has trouble with her ears when flying."

Got round that pretty well, I thought. All seemed satisfied and the motherly one showed me the range of earplugs, some wax, some foam, and some on special offer. I was just about to get the special offer ones when she said "Or there's these..." and then produced this box from the back of a drawer with what I'll swear had Masonry Rawlplugs in it. I wouldn't put them in my garage wall, let alone anyone's ear.

"These are specially formulated for air travel. These will do the job nicely. They're called Ear-planes."

These Ear-planes looked downright brutal… more like Ear-PAINS. I just wanted something to help keep the noise out, as I was fairly certain that our bedroom wasn't pressurised and my wife wouldn't be coming in for any rapid descents (Well, she was pregnant, come on…) and they were 3 times as expensive!

"Can I see the special offer ones again, please."

"But sir, these are formulated particularly for air travel, and if your wife has trouble when flying, then surely it makes sense to use the product specifically designed to relieve the problem, does it not?"

The motherly one had hooked me in with the "Don't-be-a-cheapskate-your-wife-is-worth-it" ploy. Top call. I had no option but to go for the Ear-planes now. OK, I know when I'm beaten.

However, it wasn't over. My wife's friend's daughter, knowing our family situation extremely well, went for the jugular.

"I didn’t know you were planning a trip.  Where are you flying to?"

Well, I couldn't have dug a bigger hole with a JCB than the one I was just about to finish off right now.

"Errr... I... don't... know..."

It was one of those bizarre Simpson-esque moments. All three characters - the client, the motherly one and the best friend's daughter - stood stock still for a couple of seconds looking at each other alternately out the corners of their eyes. God knows what was going through their minds. The motherly one then laughed and said,

"All I can say is that most people start with the travel brochures."

Ha-ha-ha. Say nothing, just let it ride, smile politely, take your change and go. Just go. Say nothing. Brain to mouth, are you receiving me? Over? Over?

"Well, you know how it is. I was just passing and thought I'd pick up the earplugs.... "

I could hear my voice trail off into nothing. What an absolutely pathetic comment. Can you imagine any sort of conversation between husband and wife like this:

"Where shall we go on holiday, darling?"

"I don't know, but I'll get some brochures on the way home."

"Good idea - don't forget the earplugs."

At the very best, they were going to think I had lost the plot. The client probably thought I had been working too hard and obviously needed whatever holiday was being planned. In a worst case scenario, they were probably trying to mentally find some really kinky use for earplugs, and my wife's friend's daughter probably thought I was having an affair and jetting off to sunnier climes with my secretary.

Maybe I should have taken that holiday...