And Breathe... - 2015 - A Year in Review

August/September 2015 – Part 9 of 12

Things now felt different.

After the funeral, we started to get used to Dad not being around. The adrenaline that kept us going through the darkest hours had now subsided and reality started to kick in. As mentioned in the last blog “Life After Fred”, we’d booked a late holiday at a very unexpected discount, one weeks All-Inclusive to Es Cana in Ibiza at 40% off. That sort of reduction in High Season at the last minute is practically unheard of; it was as if it was there just for us. Thank you, Mr Universe. Rude not to take advantage, eh?

It was well needed and deserved, the only down-side being the fact that the food wasn’t great and that aside from the beer, the all-inclusive drinks were appalling and served in tiny plastic cups, plus no matter how many people were waiting to be served, if there was a regular customer at the “cash” end of the bar, they were seen immediately. On occasion it took over 20 minutes to get a drink.

We love Ibiza though and the weather was decent enough, plus we went on an Island cruise and saw a beautiful sunset, absolutely stunning.

In addition, we saw a HUGE Yacht, British registered, it's own Jet ski deck, giant slide... amazing.

Elsewhere, my work routine was starting to get back to normal and to my dismay, BT Openreach had not exactly been doing their job, Since May we had been waiting for a link line to BTMK’s Southend office and the Fibre Optic cable had been delivered tantalisingly close to the building – the box outside in fact – but because we were on the first floor, we had to have a hoist to get the cable from the ground floor to our level and that still hadn't happened. The reason for this was that there was only one hoist in Essex and because of our location, the work needed to be done on a Sunday, the one day that the hoist operator didn't work. No – I'm not joking.

This was slowing us up massively as the Southend office needed to use our system and could only log in to it via regular broadband which made it SO SLOW! It was literally taking 5 times longer than it should to get the work done; not great.

Generally though, Dawn and I felt that we really were entering a new era, that all the stresses over the year had come to a head and that we could now push on and get on with the rest of our lives.  

Life after Fred - 2015 - A year in review

July 2015 - Part 8 of 12

Arranging a funeral is not a fun thing. Your life is on "hold" as this day looms ever nearer, clearly not a day that you would be looking forward to.

We had used Stibbards Funeral Directors, the last real family undertaker in the area and ones I was very familiar with through work. Their service was excellent and they look a lot of the weight off our shoulders as they arranged for everything from the Order of Service to the Obituary in the paper.

That whole period is bizarre; everyone who knows you and is aware of your loss offers condolences but many are almost too embarrassed to engage in conversation. Those who don't know and who enquire as to how things are are immediately overly apologetic that they didn't know and had raised the subject in the first place. My most oft used phrase was "Don't worry, it's fine, we knew it was inevitable and life goes on."

But there is a huge sense of loss that such a large piece of your life is no longer there and you have to get used to being without it and getting on with stuff.

To be honest the period in between Dad's passing and the funeral is a huge blur and I remember very little aside from going to see him one final time in the chapel of rest. I'm not sure I was ready for the fact that he would be so cold - obvious really but not something that actually crosses your mind - and it could just as easily have been a stone statue of him. A sad, sad day.

The funeral itself went very well, fabulously well attended at the chapel (standing room only) with estimates of around 200 people. There was a burial with family only at the graveside and afterwards a super Wake put on by Sandbank restaurant in Leigh, Mum and Dad's favourite restaurant.

I will share one true black comedy style moment from the graveside, When the coffin was being lowered into the ground (it was a double plot so probably 10 feet deep) the trestles supporting it were removed and placed on the floor. I had failed to notice one and as I stepped forwards with a handful of earth to throw onto the coffin I nearly tripped over it, stumbling head-first towards the grave! It does seem a bit disrespectful to laugh at a graveside but it was unavoidable and provided an unintentional moment of light relief amongst the sadness.

Many thanks to Matthew and Sam Locker for catering for us at the restaurant on their day off. We got through it well I think, Mum was amazing and I do feel that a Wake provides the balance; the funeral service is sad and the Wake is a celebration. That's how it felt and how it should be.

The funeral was on July 13th, exactly one week before my birthday which as you can imagine was somewhat subdued. Dawn and I decided to book a late holiday as a week's complete rest was required. Mum and Dad's favourite place was Tintagel in Cornwall and I offered to take her there, but it was too soon and she declined. As it was, we managed to get a late deal to Ibiza - really unusual in August - and had that to look forward to.

All we had to do now is adapt to life after Fred.

The inevitable happens - 2015 - A year in review

JUNE - Part 7 of 12

One of Dawn’s contacts in Italy had seen her plight on social media and had really kindly invited us out to her Yoga Retreat centre for some R&R over a long weekend in the Sabine hills outside Rome. Four days of nothing, no internet or mobile signal… this was absolute heaven and in the most tranquil and beautiful surroundings imaginable, just what the Doctor ordered. I was certainly fairly relaxed when I went for the ECG and blood test results pretty much as soon as I had returned.

Of course, I had already done what any other person would have done and googled details of symptoms I could/may have and what they could/may mean… within five minutes I was convinced I would be a Type 2 Diabetic being rushed into hospital for an emergency operation to have stents put in!

As I lay on the couch being wired up for the ECG, the nurse made pleasant, idle conversation. My heath wasn't discussed at all really. At the end she just said “Well, that’s all normal. No problems there.”

Really?  Wow.

My blood pressure was now a much more regular 115/75 and I waited for the final verdict; the blood test results. These weren't immediately forthcoming and so I had to actually ask for them.

“Oh, hasn't anyone told you? It’s all good. Your cholesterol is a touch high but cut down on your carb intake and you should be fine. Maybe take some exercise as well. Give my best to your parents.”

So after everything I’d been through, my cholesterol is a tad high and my blood pressure is very high but under control. Result.

So now to Dad, still in discomfort and with us trying to get him into Havens Hospice for pain control, but sadly without success. They did however come round to see him to try and prescribed “Oxynorm”, much stronger pain relief which had to be administered in very low doses and gradually built up due to the fact that his body had only been used to Panadol. Fortunately there was no side effects but there was also no pain relief either; therefore, after a few days of this, they said his body could probably take the increase. Father’s Day, June 14^th, was his last good day and he was surrounded by his family again and he loved this picture with his grandchildren.

The day after, Dad deteriorated and it was clear Mum needed more support. Dawn was incredibly supportive, moving clients around to accommodate the situation and without her it would have been impossible. She had a "dance" with my Dad in the lounge, supporting him as he moved slowly and slightly from side to side, a touching gesture to make someone in the latter stages of their life very happy. I also changed my working pattern and BTMK were great, allowing me as much time as I needed. I still saw clients, but only worked early mornings and in the evening, spending lunchtime and the afternoons with Mum and Dad, doing whatever was necessary.

On Monday 21^st, he took his usual afternoon nap but  really struggled to get his legs working and wasn’t able to properly wake up. It took Mum 40 minutes to get him about 10 feet to the loo and Dawn and I 30 minutes to get him out again. The Ambulance was called.

After over an hour(!), a Paramedic arrived and immediately diagnosed the problem; Oxynorm is effectively medical Heroine and his body was unable to take the increased dosage so he had to be treated for an accidental overdose. Here was my 88 year old Dad, who had never smoked, taken any sort of drugs or excess alcohol, being given the same treatment as a junkie.

The antidote was impressive; a small vial of liquid, about 5 ml I guess, injected into the bloodstream.

“What does that do then?” I asked the medic.

“Well, without getting too technical,” he replied, “the drugs attach to the blood cells via a receptor and this makes them become unattached.”

“Oh, ok, how long will that take to work?”

“About 20 seconds.”

“Wow, what will happen?”

“He’ll wake up.”

And, true to his word, about 20 seconds after being injected with the antidote, Dad woke up, completely confused as to what was going on, but back in the room, so to speak.

He needed to go to the hospital – the antidote only lasts 7 minutes, so he gave Dad everything he had, which was almost an hours worth - before regaling us with comical stories of junkies falling over shortly after being treated and refusing hospital admission. Dad made so such refusal of course, to be honest he didn't have much choice.  After several hours of waiting in A&E (Monday is the busiest day in the NHS and they were swamped - our ambulance team had come from Colchester, 40 odd miles away), Dad was admitted to Southend hospital, which is where he stayed.

He was moved to a general ward on Tuesday and then to a private room for a while before Havens Hospice had a vacancy became available. They got him comfortable and his sister and other family members came to see him on Thursday 25th, as did the staff from the office, and then he went to sleep, never to wake up and subsequently passed away in the early hours of Sunday morning, 28^th June.

His eldest grandchild had been the last to see him, calling in on his way home from work as a barman at midnight and staying for an hour, singing my Dad his favourite songs before saying goodbye. An absolutely touching and emotional scene and one that brings tears to my eyes just writing this.

At around 4:30 am, Mum got “the call” and we immediately went round. Despite my job working as a Probate lawyer, I had never actually seen a corpse and it was surreal. It wasn’t my Dad laying there, it simply couldn’t be. But of course, it was.

The staff were as respectful and as helpful as they could be and I wasn’t really sure whether to stay or go. They made the decision for us, ushering us out after around 20 minutes.

We got outside, completely numb. The sun was just starting to rise. Mum made the decision there and then that the first Hymn at the funeral would be “Morning has Broken”.

A monumental month, episode 2 - 2015 - A year in review

THE SECOND HALF OF MAY - Part 6 of 12

The Doctor I saw was new to me, but it was the same surgery that treated my parents. They were well known up there as my father was the most sensitive person to medication that they had ever encountered and for months, pretty much all the GP’s there had been putting their heads together to try and find something that made my Dad more comfortable, so far without success.

“You and your Mum have had a trying time looking after him, haven't you?” he said. Yes, I guess we had, so I could do no more than agree.

“Well, it's taken its toll on you. Your blood pressure is very high, 155 over 95. I’ll put you on some medication to bring that down, plus I want you to do a fasting blood test and then an ECG. We’ll give you a bit of an MOT. In the meantime, try and take it a bit easier.”

So that was that. He said I had to take the tablets for a few months, probably NOT for the rest of my life, but certainly for the short term. I booked in for the blood test there and then, with the ECG being early in June.

Take it a bit easier… yeah, right. I had a new department to grow, elderly parents to look after and also a Wembley play-off final to attend! I also was concerned about how my new employers would view this; they’ve only just taken the firm over and within three days they could have had the quickest ever “Death-in-Service” claim in history, plus now someone that they have invested in has high blood pressure and orders to “take it a bit easier”. Hmm.

Well, I did try. A bit.

The play off final against Wycombe at Wembley on May 23^rd however was hardest. I just wanted a nice, non-eventful day with either team (preferably Southend, obviously) getting a comfortable win so there was no repeat of the semi-final drama, which clearly was the event that tipped me over the edge.

As it transpired, the game itself (or at least the first 90 minutes of it) did it’s best to accommodate my condition by being fairly staid and boring. I think at one point the commentators described it as “one of the worst games to grace Wembley” and it certainly wasn't edge of the seat stuff. We had a goal disallowed and a strong penalty claim denied, whilst our keeper made a decent save a few minutes from the end. That was about it. Tense? Yes. Exciting? Well, no, not really.

It was in extra time where Wycombe upped the ante by scoring first, the ball trickling over the line – but only just – via our keeper’s backside as the ball came down from the crossbar. Neither team looked much like scoring after that and so most thought that our goose was cooked with us being destined to spend another dreadful season in League 2. Wycombe were exhausted and trying to slow the game down by wasting time and falling over at every opportunity. There was only 20 seconds of extra time left when Southend's on-loan striker Joe Pigott fired into the net to send every Southend fan into delirium. I actually thought I was going to pass out. Wycombe were literally on their knees and there was only sufficient time to restart the match before calling time and signalling a penalty shootout. Oh. My. Word.

Fair play to all participants on both sides, a better set of penalties would be hard to imagine. Pressure? Barely, certainly none that was evident, although eventually it got to one of the Wycombe players as Southend's young keeper, Dan Bentley, threw himself to his left to palm his penalty onto the post and away to safety. Southend had won and were promoted!

It was a full 5 seconds before I realised what had happened. With a fuzzy and confused head, I managed to eventually get out of my seat before disbelievingly looking at the celebrations going on all around me. Realisation and joy then set in as the drama ceased; the game had become one of the most dramatic finals ever to grace Wembley, quite a contrast from the commentators comments made less than an hour before.

And so my mad, manic, monumental month drew to a close, me still in one piece and not yet halfway through the year.

Surely June must be a little less stressful? Although I do have the blood test and ECG results still to come…

A monumental month, episode 1 - 2015 - A year in review

THE FIRST HALF OF MAY - Part 5 of 12

So, where to start in a truly monumental, massive month where so much went on…

Well, as the song goes, let’s start at the very beginning. May 1^st, takeover day and the day I become an employee again. It was a Friday and largely uneventful, the day being taken up with administrative stuff, making sure all clients’ money was sent across accurately and reconciled correctly. After work we all toasted the 28 years of FWG and welcomed in the start of a new era.

May 2^nd saw Southend United’s day of destiny in the North West of England with their trip to Morecambe and the Globe Arena. Weather wise, it was absolutely not May 2^nd unless you happen to be in the Russian district of Oymyakonsky (officially one of the coldest permanently inhabited locales on the planet) and it rained constantly, making it an even more “interesting” experience. Without going into massive detail, we went 1-0 down early, equalised, threw everything at Morecambe only to get caught on the break – twice – and lost 3-1. This would have been enough to secure promotion if Bury had lost, but surprise, surprise, they didn't. Play-offs for us then. We did have a good day out though and the match shall be forever known as “The game what we lost” (see what I did there?).

The weather down south was distinctly different and on the Sunday, Dawn suggested a walk in the woods as she had a bit of a headache. Off we went on this bright, early summers day, chatting, carefree, contemplating Southend’s play-off chances and the potential General Election result when all of a sudden,.. BANG! CRACK!

Then a scream.

I got up from the deck to discover a pile of debris on the floor next to me with Dawn on her knees a few feet away, clutching her skull and in obvious agony. Some dead wood had fallen from the boughs of the tree, some 30 feet or so above us, landing straight on top of us as we walked underneath. I escaped with a couple of scratches but Dawn got clumped “good and proper” on the noggin, meaning a trip to A&E with her neck being put into a brace. This also meant she missed taking her eldest, Megan, out for her 18^th birthday meal we were due to have later that day.

This confined Dawn to bed for a few days where she was able to fully take on board how lucky she had been and also consider the plight of the poor Nepalese people who had their habitat decimated in the massive earthquake the month before. She used her enforced non-working time to pull together as many people as she could to put on a fund raiser for Nepal, which raised nearly £4000. A cracking effort.

As for Dad, he was going along as before and had had some railings installed in the garden so he could walk up and down without fear of falling, he really was getting frail now.

Southend's first play-off semi-final came around and they eked out a 1-1 draw at Stevenage, with the second leg being at Southend's home, Roots Hall, on May 14^th. This was an incredibly tense affair, with Southend initially going 1-0 down, equalising and then missing a last second penalty to send the game into extra time. In one of the most dramatic matches I have ever witnessed, we eventually wrapped up a 3-1 win and won through to get to the Wembley play off final against Wycombe on May 23^rd, but not before some major scares!

No liquid celebrations took place that night – save that for winning at Wembley - and I went to bed, delirious on the ecstasy of what I had witnessed earlier.  The following morning I awoke, and the room immediately went on tilt. I felt incredibly dizzy for a few seconds, and then it passed. Thinking maybe I had got up too quickly, I carried on and got ready for work, but this pattern continued throughout the day. I called my GP (a very rare occurrence I might add) and spoke to the receptionist, with the conversation going something like this :

Me – “Can I make an urgent appointment to see the doctor please, I really feel quite odd.”

Receptionist – “I'm sorry, appointments are about 7-10 days away unless it’s an emergency. Is it an emergency?”

Me – “Well, all day I have felt dizzy and swimmy, the room keeps going sideways and I haven't had anything alcoholic to drink. You tell me; is that an emergency?”

Receptionist – “Hang on.”

<Pause>

“Doctor says come in immediately.”

Bloody hell.

The calm before the storm and some devastating news - 2015 - A year in review

APRIL 2015 - Part 4 of 12

With one of the major events of the year out of the way, April felt a bit like “the calm before the storm”, as I spent most of the working month getting everything ready in the firm ahead of the BTMK takeover on May 1^st. The aim is to expand their Private Client department into one of the strongest and biggest in the South East and I am looking forward to the challenge.

There was however, one piece of devastating news; I took Dad to the Oncology clinic for the results of his Prostate Cancer tests. Unfortunately, it had not responded to treatment and had now spread into the bone. Because of his hyper-sensitivity to medication of pretty much all forms (even anti-nausea tablets made him sick) and generally due to his frailty (his weight had dropped from over 11 stone before Christmas to about 8 stone now), we were told that there was nothing more that could be done for him and it was just a case of keeping him comfortable for as long as he had left, whether that be weeks, months or years.

I guess it’s what I had expected but it still isn't easy to hear. Death is inevitable, one of the only certainties in life, but even though we know we can’t avoid it, we never seem to be prepared to deal with it when it happens. The doctors were unable to be more precise, but I think with Dad having zero appetite and eating barely enough to feed a sparrow, deep down I knew that it wasn't going to be all that long.

So most of my spare time in April was spent supporting Mum and making sure she was nourished and well enough to continue looking after Dad and keeping him as comfortable as could be.

Aside from that, which made this month quite an emotionally draining one, I took some cheer from the rising fortunes of Southend United, who won every game in April. The highlight of this month was a trip down to Exeter by plane for a load of us for a legendary weekend in which the game was secondary, but nonetheless we won with an injury time goal which had brought the impossible dream ever closer. 

At the end of March, we had needed to win our last 8 games to stand a chance of automatic promotion and as we had won 5 and then went on to win the next two matches, we were in third position going into the last game of the season, away at Morecambe on May 2^nd and a win would guarantee League One football next season. A crowd of us were going to go up on a charter flight put on by the club, and we had sold over 2200 tickets, meaning the crowd would be approximately 50/50 split between Morecambe and Southend fans. We had never beaten them before in a league game in 9 attempts, but surely with such a voracious away following and with them having nothing to play for, this would be our day?

A New Home - 2015 - A Year in review

MARCH 2015 - Part 3 of 12

March 2015 gave us a new home, which meant we weren't renting and one day would have a property that wouldn't cost a fortune every month! Grant House had been in my family ownership since the mid 1970’s when it was purchased by my Mum’s sister and her husband. My Aunt sadly passed away within a year or so of moving in, but Albert stayed until 1990 when he suffered a stroke and went to live with his daughter in Newcastle until his death a few years later.

My parents bought it from them in the mid 90’s and we used it as an office until the firm outgrew it in 2003 and moved to Leigh Broadway, but Dad continued to work from there and being a bungalow, it was ideal to see the elderly or disabled clients who couldn't manage stairs.

But as of now, it will be a family home again. It was a bit of a culture shock as we have had to lose a lot of stuff - it’s about ½ the size in floor area - but it is so much more manageable, giving us (theoretically) more time. We’ll see. But part of our New Year resolution has been fulfilled… we are getting smaller!

It wasn't without some sort of last minute drama though, as you would expect; the day before moving in the fridge was discovered as being ½ cm too high, which posed an interesting conundrum for the kitchen fitter who had to re-make one of the cabinets to accommodate, and EE completely mucked up our internet, meaning that for the first few weeks we had no Wi-Fi. This affected the girls more than us of course, and more than a few minutes amusement was had watching them either sitting against the back door or hanging out of the window in all weathers trying to connect to Mum and Dad's!

My parents, of course, were absolutely delighted with the move and I think Dad now felt as though everything was complete; I was 100% on hand to help Mum as he entered the final stages of his life. I know she was thankful for the fact that I was next door and this gave her great support. Dawn was brilliant and treated them as if they were her parents; nothing was too much trouble.

We have pretty much decided that this is where we’ll stay, as it is a place that will not be too big for two and also on one level, important in our later years as we enter our decrepitude. Having said all that, I sincerely hope that we will be here for many, many years as despite being nearly 10 years older than Dawn, I'm not planning on going anywhere just yet!

Into second gear - 2015 - A year in review

FEBRUARY 2015 - Part 2 of 12

Beginning of the month

Mid month

End of the month

Into February we head, having given our landlord notice for the house we were renting which meant we MUST be in our new abode by March 18^th, exactly 5 years to the day we moved in. The house has been great, if very big, but then I guess it needed to be in order to accommodate the brood. However, it was nigh on impossible to keep on top of the housework and consequently always looked like a bomb had hit it, forcing three different cleaners to leave due to the fact that they were “fighting a losing battle”. On the plus side, we avoided being burgled as any would-be-thief would think someone else had got there first…

Anyhow, this month was a race against time to make sure the new place was ready. A spell of horrendous weather now could spell disaster and delays for our moving in, so it was all a bit frantic with fingers, legs and everything else being crossed. In the end however, Mother Nature was kind. The month saw terrific progress (see pictures above) with just the interior decoration and installation of the kitchen needing to be done ahead of moving day, March 10^th. 

I had the Mercedes taxed and MOT’d, ready for me to start using and Dad was delighted. He was at this time convinced he wouldn't live to see us move in next door but despite him being in great discomfort, there was nothing to suggest that that would be the case and he was still being expertly cared for by Mum. He did have Prostate cancer, but then most men of that age have, and it's something we usually die with rather than of. He had received an injection for that last month and had an appointment to go back in April, so the medics were hardly concerned in the short term.

In other news, things were moving on a-pace as the details for the sale of the firm were finalised and a completion date set for May 1^st. That was such a relief for both Dad and I as it now wouldn't be all just on my shoulders and I would also be provided with a new challenge, something that I was looking forward to immensely. 

Another great love of my life, Southend United FC, were also beginning to mount a serious promotion challenge so that they could clamber out of the basement league, a division containing teams mainly playing "anti-football", i.e. stopping you playing rather than beating you through better performances. Quite legitimate of course, but pretty dull and boring to watch.

So this month, with lots ahead, it did feel like the year was going through the gears, shifting into second and accelerating towards the inevitable. Nervous and exciting times!

"In the first month of New Year, my true love gave to me..." - 2015 in review

JANUARY 2015 (part 1 of 12)

Our “12 Months of 2015” haven’t been so much like the song "12 Days of Christmas", more of an epic 12 part drama series, so let’s start with January, or, to be exact, just before that; 25^th December 2014, when I had Christmas at my parents’ house for the first time since I left home in 1983. The house next door – our old office and which in March would become our new home – was a building site (see above). I was in advanced negotiations regarding the sale of the business to a local firm of solicitors, BTMK, and Mum was acting as a 24 hour carer to my father, whose health had been deteriorating. I was doing the vast majority of their shopping, running around, doctor and hospital visits (all in between clients) so was pretty darn busy, as you can imagine. Dad hadn't driven since August and travelling anywhere was painful as he had a lot of discomfort in his back, neck and arms. It was clear that he wouldn't be going anywhere and as it was my turn to have the kids for Christmas day, we brought Christmas to him, emptying their conservatory in order to get everyone in.

Time was precious and there wasn't enough of it to do the usual present/food shopping, so Amazon and our local Cook! franchise became our best friends, providing 90% of the presents and 100% of the Christmas dinner, plus leftovers. It was a lovely day, Dad being in the middle of the table, surrounded by the most important thing in his world; his family. As it turned out, it was to be his last Christmas and I am forever thankful that we had that day.

Dad - in the thick of it on the left

So as for January itself, the house was coming along nicely, the weather was kind to allow the workmen to press on and Dad finally accepted he wasn't going to be driving again so gave me his 1997 Mercedes C180 with only 31000 miles on the clock. It has never let me down, unlike the Peugeot 207SW that I took to Oxford with a mate for a Southend game during this month (we won 3-2) and which broke down 10 miles outside Oxford on the way back, meaning a recovery job and getting home at about 01:30am.

There was so much going on at the time with the house renovation, the business and Dad deteriorating that New Year’s resolutions (if there were any at all) went out the window. I have found a social media post from New Year’s Eve 2014 during which both Dawn and I have vowed to be “getting smaller” in 2015. Certain aspects of our lives have, but sadly my waistline hasn't. Note to self - must try harder.